“All you black folks, you must go
All you Mexicans, you must go
All you poor folks, you must go
Muslims and gays, boy, we hate your ways”
A Tribe Called Quest
The Day I Knew I Was Done
The first day of Summer 2021, and I was officially done, mentally checked out with my career. A career I worked on for over 20 years. A career I made excuses for myself to not have a family of my own, because honestly, as hard as I tried and as much as I wanted it, I don’t think I knew how to have my own family. At the same time, I was successful in a career that also made me everything I always wanted to be.
It was a warm night; the kind of night summer stories are made of. Warm with just a hint of a breeze to make the night cozy, touching the budding beads of sweat on your face, caressing your ears with the sound of palm leaves swaying in the wind and crickets faintly humming.
Most days I’d come home from work and go straight to my lanai to sit and process, and attempt to relax, joint in hand. Yet the volume in my head from the day’s work, was so incredibly loud that I, a music lover, wouldn’t even turn on pandora for at least an hour when I would realize, oh shit I’ve been sitting in silence this whole time, but damn it was really loud in my head. Finally putting on songs of Mazzy star, Bob Marley, and Carla Morrison. Music that calmed me.
It’s so crazy how much power thoughts about your interactions with other people have on your emotions … Money and time make the world go round … my God the oppression looks so different during summer 2021. Conservatives are literally up in arms about the government regulating what their God given bodies do. Up in arms about vaccinations and mask requirements. While those of color are not only used to the fear of diseases striking minorities due to social and financial inequities that we’ve been conditioned not to push back against government regulations and are thus more compliant. Enslave conservatives with masks and vaccines, how dare you?
Who the Hell Had I Become
It was under these circumstances I learned how to bullshit, schmooze is what the privileged, the tall blonde type, had called it. Give all of your attention to someone and agree with them, whether you believe it or not. God, who the hell had I become?!
I was in an environment surrounded by the privileged, walking in faith. I fully expected their leadership to stand strong in the face of adversity. Instead, I was learning that when you’re guilty of something, downplay it and make a joke out of it cheerfully and with confidence. You’re likely to get away with it, because you’ll make the other person doubt reality, feel uncomfortable, and laugh about it with you. In short, gaslighting was not only acceptable here, it was expected.
I thought even further, if I am just now learning these master tips of manipulation, coercion, and narcissism, was my mother never guilty of these things all along since I didn’t pick it up as a learned behavior at a young age? Or am I recognizing it now because it wasn’t my first rodeo? It was the same situation I’ve encountered so many times before in my past, just with a different pair of pants. Yet this time, I was finally recognizing this personal challenge. Boss level status. I learned the game and I played it. I mirrored, I adapted, I listened, and I spoke the “truth” in each conversation. Their truth. And it nearly killed me.
Being Latina in a Leadership Position
Born from a history of oppression, I was now alongside the oppressors. But I chose to make a difference. What I didn’t realize at the time, this was my red flag to get out and like so many times before, I ignored it. I ignored my gut feeling and kept trying to make it work. This was another coping habit I had mastered in my life. Generations of hard labor and work for pennies to get me to this point. Where I, a millennial, female Mexican American, con la nopal en la frente (sometimes), was in a leadership position of an ultraconservative predominately white school. I gradually brought in diversity and acceptance by way of teachers and families alike. I brought together the antivaxxers and the pro vaccinators. Feeling powered by God to support His people, I kept a small business open when both owners and rule enforcers were busy battling out who owned who. And I internalized all this. That was my process. Absorb, process the changes, literally scream and cry, stay in bed all day from the sheer exhaustion of emotions and pre problem solving, execute with confidence, repeat. I had achieved my career goal and continued to succeed despite the pandemic and racial tension.
While so many in education were making a mass exodus from the lack of ability to adapt, others were dying inside from lack of self-care, but thriving in building their empire. This was cake to us. We had already experienced prosecution, survived, and learned to thrive. The tables were about to turn. We’ve all been playing stupid while you called us wetbacks.
I had created a safe place for God’s children while the world changed. All my life I prayed for children of my own and I got them in the form of 200+ students. And that alone was sustaining me.
Too White for the Mexicans Too Mexican for White People
As I battled with how my truth fit into my career and then applying that into how I fit into society, I began finding more and more ally’s. And there’s the politics in life, at any point the dynamics can shift. It’s crazy, the feeling when you realize how powerful you are, yet how quickly you forget it when you feel at your weakest and your lowest. This is the struggle of a 1st generation Mexican on her Papi’s side and 2nd generation Mexican on her Mami’s side. A female, millennial, with colored eyes. Too American for the Mexicans. Too Mexican for Americans.
Are you an inbetweenie like me? Where you feel stuck between two different cultures? Share your experiences in the comments.