My Dirty Lil Super Power
@vuzbie poor cat #bath #dumbasscatstuckindatub #wholetthishappen #africa #soccer #thelasttwohashtagsweretotallyirrelevant ♬ Juke Bug – Adventure Time
Hi everyone. Welcome to my very first blog! I literally have a dirty little secret to share. You see, I have this, let’s call it a superpower, of being able to make any environment instantly dreary with the flip of a switch in my head. This little superpower here, she almost aaaaaalways comes unwanted, and aaaaalllways unannounced. But for some reason, I can count on her to tap on my shoulder when it comes to taking a shower in my own restroom.
You see that TikTok of the crazy cat? That is actual live footage of me, trying my damndest to not get in the shower when in all honestly, it is probably a lot safer for myself and everyone else, if I do.
In 2021 at the height of the pandemic, exhausted and pushing myself harder than I had ever pushed myself before, I sank further and further into depression as I searched desperately for my true self. I started to look deeper at my self-harm coping habits and the one right in front of my face was my daily shower.
What the Heck is Wrong with Me
As I began to allow myself to enjoy evening “sesh’s” alone instead of feeling guilty for yet another thing, my time outside allowed me to slow down and open my mind to the idea of actually getting pleasure out of basic things that were challenging for me to do. Did that make me a functioning addict? Or did I just level up? I mean people take drugs to get more out of the pleasurable things. More often though, to numb themselves from the painful feelings from the day. I asked myself, do I have to literally numb myself to learn it’s ok to get pleasure from a shower, a basic self-care need, to take care of myself? I thought, am I participating in the ultimate self-hate act by not showering daily when I’m in the thick of my worst slumps?
Because the truth is, whether you’re a cutter, suffer from an eating disorder, hell even a smoker, the one thing these all have in common is the feeling of unworthiness for better as we strive for some sort of control. And I’m only scratching the surface with examples here. No one act of self-hate is better or worse than the other. This isn’t a competition in who can harm themselves in the worst way. We are all simply suffering together, yet alone, trying to stay afloat.
Hurts so Good
Ironically, the most frustrating part every damn time I make it in the shower, is feeling 1000 times better. The thought of why do I do this to myself every time?! Never have I thought, well that shower sucked. But it is still the biggest struggle in my day. To get myself out of my head and away from the comfort of snuggling with my fur baby, feet on the floor, out of bed, take pjs off, don’t get sidetracked by going to the bathroom and then back to bed … turn the water on, wait for it to heat up … finally … you made it in.
So why? Why is it so hard every, single, time? As ruminating thoughts cross my mind; I’m not good enough to use the water especially when we’re in a drought, what if this shower is the shower that busts our old pipes, and finally, as my mind blanks out in the most painful part of this thought … I get lost listening to Good Morning by On the Street … Shit, that’s right, what’s the reason showering hurts the most? Why is it so hard to get into the shower? Because I don’t feel like I deserve getting my basic needs met of enjoying taking a shower, deserving to feel clean vs forever feeling dirty outwardly as I do inside in hatred towards myself in my daily decisions and attempts in life. Like whatever I say, do, or feel, is not enough, not right, and therefor dirty.
Support When You Least Expect It
Now imagine this guy sitting with his hands, hah, I mean paws, crossed in front of him, head tilted. Watching you lovingly as you write this.
Just looking at him I feel peace rush over me. I’m finally taking care of myself. I’m doing it. Today, no matter how exhausted I was, I didn’t stay in bed. I got the sleep I needed.Got up to get something to eat. Came home and enjoyed a sesh outside, looking forward to a nice cold shower and dinner after. Then my inspiration returned. The brilliant thoughts. Over to the computer to write. I’m doing it. I’m taking care of myself. Meeting my needs on my own terms. Baby steps. Gotta go, a shower is waiting for me.
A Little Example From Hollywood …
S:1 E:7 of Euphoria – The Trials and Tribulations of Peeing While Depressed
Welcome to the Island of Misfit Toys
Thank you for sharing this lil experience with me. One that is not so little at all, is it? My guess is, if you came across this article, you or someone you know has experienced the same thing in their own way. This is not something I’m boasting about nor taking lightly. This learned behavior/coping mechanism has been one of my many self-preservation habits for years. And this space, my fellow misfit toys, is our island. And not just for the self-proclaimed “misfits” but for all those who experience this sleeper of a pandemic called DePrEsSiOn. Aaaaaand, you can bet your arse there will be dark humor here celebrating our little daily wins. So, give yourself or your loved one some grace, huh?!
See y’all next time.
Today, “988” is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. By calling or texting 988, you’ll connect with mental health professionals with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
What are some of your own experiences with self-harm? Share them below.