Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
www.lyrics.com
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always dreaded Mother’s Day. It’s been the literal worst with a huge empty feeling from the pit of my stomach to the tip of where my tonsils once were. The week before Mother’s Day is filled with anxiety, the week after, depression.
My Relationship with Mami
As a self-proclaimed Empath and Highly Sensitive Person, I feel more than the average person. With heightened emotions and senses, one of my superpowers is picking up on people’s energy and anticipating their needs. Not intentionally. It would take me 39 years to realize it was a coping mechanism developed as a child.
From therapy so far, I’ve discovered I grew up with “Emotionally Immature” parents. The relationship that affected me the most, my relationship with Mami. What this looked like was conversations always focused on how I need to deal with even the most mundane of situations then focused back on her which led to feeling empty, unbonded with Mami, and never feeling heard.
In addition, Mami was unable to self-regulate. Mami would often get very angry, destructive, weaponize her words, and blame everything on me or someone else for “making her do that”.
What I do know, is whenever I argued with Mami or tried to defend myself, Papi would tell me to stop, that she was my mom. No matter what happened. With that, I felt like I wasn’t worth getting my concerns or feelings heard. The way I was being treated was ok. I was being defiant.
I also grew up very sheltered by way of over protection and manipulation (think the movie Bubble Boy). Because Mami loved me so much, she protected me from the world and any potential illness or injury.
It’s important to mention my Mexican culture, Mami’s Boomer generation, and her being first generation in America. What were Mami’s challenges that created her monsters? She did the best she could with me and her family. And why do I continue to struggle so much with the same coping habits?
My Dream was Always to Have Children
When I was in Junior High, I remember waking up from a dream about being pregnant. I woke up hands to skin, rubbing my belly feeling it round and full like there was a 7-month-old fetus in there. To this day, I remember it feeling so real.
I ended up with an education and career working with children of all ages and their families. And I absolutely loved it. I found myself in a successful career succeeding in family legal matters, children with challenging behaviors, and the ability to bond with and assist several families overall. All except a family of my own and my parents.
My goals in life were to get married and have a family, not to have a baby to raise as a single mother. Well, growing up with emotionally immature parents, I unconsciously sought similar relationships. Because that’s what felt right to me. I didn’t know any better. And after several poor choices and breakups, wasn’t trying hard to have a baby because of my circumstances.
At 25 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. An uncurable illness that reduces fertility and causes extreme debilitating menstrual symptoms.
Shit.
39 Years of Mother’s Day Past
For the past 39 years, I can’t think of a memorable happy Mother’s Day with Mami. Did I block it? Them? Or has that lack of connection left a gap in my heart? What I do remember is dreading the day. Searching for a card for Mami that is representative of our actual relationship, whatever that is. I still don’t know. I don’t know what it’s called. Maybe I should start a line of Mother’s Day and Birthday cards for daughters with estranged relationships with their mothers … Looking for a gift for Mami that she wouldn’t look at skeptically with a breathy low voice of, “oooohhh … thank you”.
As she would tell me that’s not something she would eat, or she thought it was too big, or too small, or I don’t know where I’ll put this, or I don’t know what to do with this. Any excuse it felt like. Even though it was never just the gifts I gave to her. It was gifts I intended on giving to anyone in the family or anyone in general if she was around. Second guessing my every move, thought, intention.
Again, anxiety the week before. Depression the week after. Conveniently scheduling an out-of-town trip on Mother’s Day with families I created for myself, searching for that connection. A full connection I never could find.
Then as I got older, and it became more and more apparent I wasn’t going to have children, I could just feel it no matter how hard I tried to push that feeling down. Always thinking, maybe next year I’ll be a mom.
The Best Mother’s Day I’ve Ever Had
For my 40th year on this earth, I experienced the best Mother’s Day ever. As my therapist said, I made a conscious decision to “protect my energy” as I called it. For the past few days, I had been spending time with close friends and their family, appreciating me non-stop for the care I gave to their family. Appreciated. There’s that feeling I remember of working with families.
I wrestled with the decision of, do I go and spend time with Mami, or do I stay home, for my sanity? For me? Am I being selfish? I always feel like I am. Told by everyone to cherish the moments I have with Mami. If only they understood. I could never quite explain my childhood experience. To them, it didn’t matter. I was being too sensitive. That was my mom. What about when she’s gone? I know. I think about that every day as I try and try … and try to figure out how to truly feel that emotional connection with her. I can do it. I know I can. Keep trying, said the psychopath. Repeating the same tactics over and over again, expecting a different outcome.
Then as I got older, and it became more and more apparent I wasn’t going to have children, I could just feel it no matter how hard I tried to push that feeling down. Always thinking, maybe next year I’ll be a mom.
So, in making the conscious decision to protect my energy this year, I would do things that I loved and intentional acts of self-care, especially taking a shower that day. To appreciate myself and how far I’ve come. Thank my fur baby for making me a fur Mami. Spending time with families I created for myself. Families that I felt appreciated with. This helped me tremendously in replacing depression with giddy anticipation for what the following week would bring.
I did it. It wasn’t great, but should you go into anything with that expectation? I let the day be what it was without all the pressure on myself for not having children of my own or that Mami/Daughter connection I never had. I felt happy. Appreciative of my life and what I did have.
Moving Forward
I’m relieved to finally … finally, feel peace on Mother’s Day. I never knew her on this day. Should I expect another day like this next year? No. No expectations. I’ll take it year by year and let it be.
Pamper Yourself
I would LOVE any advice from those who struggle with Mother’s Day. What do you do on that day to achieve peace? Comment down below 🙏🏼.