Some alternate reality
And I was drownin’, but now I’m swimmin’
Through stressful waters to relief
Yeah, oh, the things I’d do
To spend a little time in Hell
And what I won’t tell you
I’ll prolly never even tell myself
Don’t you know that sunshine don’t feel right
When you inside all day?
I wish it was nice out, but it look like rain
Grey skies are driftin’, not livin’ forever
They told me it only gets better
Come Back to Earth – Mac Miller
A Little Ditty About Meds
Everyone sing with me now, to absolutely no set tune …
Youuuu haaaave Klonopin, Citalopram, Ativan, Prozac, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Hydroxyzine, aaaanndd trazodone …
No, no, don’t hang up the phone …
You don’t want your chance at sanity to be blown!
Raise your hand 🙋🏻♀️ if any of these medications look or sound vaguely familiar. If you’re reading this, my guess is you’ve heard of more than one.
Welcome to the last 20 years of my life. From denial, to awareness, and back to denial again. I’ve had a tumultuous love/hate relationship with psych meds.
A Little Backstory
Childhood
My childhood was full of lots of family and love on both my maternal and paternal sides. It was also full of cultural and generational trauma. With emotionally neglectful parents, A LOT of alcohol, and me being a highly sensitive person, life has been one wild ride.
Many a trauma response were developed: Fight, flight, perfectionism, addiction, lack of boundaries, anxiety, depression, people pleasing, ADHD, ignoring my instincts, validation seeking, low self-worth, self-proclaimed peacemaker …
Adulting
These followed me into adulthood from the career I chose to the friends and relationships I went into. Recreating my childhood trauma. From job to job and relationship to relationship, I remained faithfully, on and off the non-stop Farris wheel that I call my life.
All the while, even as a child, my awareness of my world was present. I could read a person and a room like nobody’s business. The problem was, I was wired to thrive in the fight or flight world. There was no smooth sailing. So that’s what I did. Lived in fight or flight.
An Introduction to Meds
Psychology and what makes the brain tick, what makes people do what they do, always intrigued me. Years of studying and in field experience with children and adults not only taught me about people in general, but A LOT about myself.
I observed and learned as I saw children and adults having huge reactions when triggered. In everyday situations. Something I was pretty used to in my world. That’s okay though, I knew how to sit through it. Quietly. Sympathetically. Passively. As I internalized it all.
Not the “Band-Aid”
The go-to solution by the professionals for each of these individuals and their situations was medication. They’re too hyper. They’re too anxious. They panic too much.
They’re depressed all the time. Well let’s give them medication. Numb them to the world so they can still function in our society. Yes, let’s just keep putting band-aid after band-aid on the wound. Let’s keep the “band-aid” industry thriving and the people complacent. Great idea …
At this point in my life, I was dead set against psychiatric medication for treatment. It was overprescribed, caution was thrown to the wind when it came to side effects, and the issue at hand was not being addressed. Not to mention the lengthy trial-and-error process when it came to the type of medication and dosage.
Meanwhile at home, Mami was going through the same thing. After years of stress and lack of ability to self-regulate, her psychiatrist prescribed her medication for it. No therapy. Just medication. And for the next 2 years, she spent the majority of her life, in bed.
Strap in for the Ride
For the next 20 years, the same coping habits I developed in childhood, the very ones that protected me, turned into vices that would make my life as an adult very challenging.
Vice #1: Overindulgence & Addiction
At a very young age, I developed the habit of overindulging in things I liked. Things that would comfort me when my emotional needs were neglected. This started out with food, solitude, and sleep. As I got older, I added alcohol, work, and marijuana. Anything I could use to escape my emotions and indulge in, to temporarily soothe my inner pain.
Vice #2: Procrastination
This one has affected my life A LOT.
Executive Dysfunction
In my life experiences, therapy, and individual studies, I’ve found that procrastination can be linked to Executive Dysfunction. This looks like poor time management, planning ahead, completing large projects, paying bills, making healthy choices, and taking medications. These are just the main executive functions I struggle with. Struggles that most call “lazy”.
Perfectionism
Procrastination can also be linked to perfectionism. Child Development research supports that at a very early age, children may learn to fear completing tasks, and completing tasks “the right way” based on the relationship with their parents. The fear then, of not doing something “the right way” or the way that a person expects, quiets critical thinking, natural exploration, and self-trust.
I grew up in this type of environment. I’ve experienced this A LOT in the work field. Finding that a lot is generational and culturally driven. Naturally, procrastination can be a result of this type of early exposure, especially for a highly sensitive person.
Vice #3: Struggle Recognizing Self-Worth
Like I mentioned above, I grew up in a very loving home. I received a healthy amount of affection for the most part. I was praised a lot. I was told I was beautiful. The same applies to this day from my parents.
Yet I still grew up hating who I was. I never felt good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, fun enough, deserving of the “normal” things in life.
I didn’t take care of my body and I put up with a lot of emotional neglect.
Subconsciously, my emotional needs were neglected. I was there to take care of my family. To make sure they were happy. If I needed something, it was a bother to ask. So, I stopped asking. The takeaway for me, I wasn’t worthy of having my needs met. So, I kept myself busy constantly doing and people pleasing. To prove to everyone but myself, that I was worthy.
Vice #4: Codependent Tendencies
Vice #3 paved the pathway for Codependence.
I began placing my value on how well I could make people happy. My parents, my friends, my romantic partners, with co-workers and superiors, and with upset people in my professions. If I could make them happy, ooooh, I was so happy with myself. That brought me true happiness. Or so I thought. Once it went bad, and I couldn’t “make” someone happy, it affected my whole life. I would doubt all aspects of myself, who I was as a person.
This led to disagreements, arguments, secrets, swept under the rug as I went about my day and life. This happened often in my adult life. It also happened often growing up in my family. To me, this was a way you showed love. Like an ostrich, putting my head in a hole and suppressing my emotions.
This one is still very fresh for me. They all are. But this one, I can painfully remember the feelings of the self-doubt and lack of self-worth and the situations that brought up those intense feelings. This is something I have to work extra hard at. My current go to when I’m in one of these situations is to choose myself. It’s not my responsibility to regulate or blame myself for another adult’s emotions. That is on them. I can try my best at being mindful and kind in my responses. That’s what I have control over.
Vice #5: Avoiding my Truth
At the end of the day, I was almost 40 and I had no clue who I was and what I wanted out of life. I was the laid back, easy going, whatever you want I’ll figure something out, person. I was running away from myself. Who I was. And I finally crashed into a brick wall.
Nowhere to Run
I was so desperate to feel better, to be better, to feel different. At this point I was practically begging for the medication. However, I was begging for the medication with Therapy. All the therapy I could get. To date, I’ve had 6 therapists in 1 year. Work stress group, anxiety group, and 3 individual therapists. 2 acquired because they were the soonest to get into. 1, I did research on and requested one specifically for childhood trauma.
When it came to medications, 5 different ones in 1 year with about 10 dosage changes. Currently almost at a stable point of “who I want to be off of the meds”.
I still have my highs and lows. I feel like I am better off with the medication right now despite the lows. Because even on my low days, I’m not nearly as low as I was for the majority of my life.
I do have a couple questions. How does one already at the end of their wit, stick with it AND go to work still? You’re essentially working with medication that numbs your emotions and reactions to varying degrees. How do you still manage to be effective at work and not get let go? FMLA? But even then, there’s a stigma and resentment towards it. And it’s not only allowed, it’s encouraged.
Also, how is it different from marijuana? At high dosages of medication, there’s no warning to handle vehicles, large machinery, caring for kids and patients. Yet people take these medications every single day. And this is okay? This is supposed to be normal?
A Few Final Notes in this Love Letter
So, I guess I had to hit rock bottom for me to even consider psych meds. Honestly, I was ready to try it, stick with it, and hopefully benefit from it.
In the end, I do credit my overall improvement to the medication BUT, I can’t credit it alone to medication. Therapy has continued to help me with my perspective in life. Helped me to unlearn, learned coping habits. I feel myself getting emotionally better and stronger and once again, I do believe the medication did help.
I still feel like the healthcare system could improve leaps and bounds. To establish protocol for psychiatric medication with any form of therapy. I understand there’s challenges. Like people who are not fully accepting of the help. That caveat is huge. You can’t help someone who doesn’t know how to be helped. But how about make therapy more accessible? It took COVID to initiate phone and video therapy.
It also took COVID to burnout several psychiatrists and therapists, leaving a huge overall shortage of professionals to those who need the help.
Bottom line, do better, bro. We live in a society where we glorify “band-aid” companies in exchange for money. And a society can’t be healed with band-aids. Until then, here’s a pack of band-aids for you.
This, Doñas, is my love letter. So, “band-aids”, therapy, or both? How do you feel about our society’s health care system when it comes to psychiatric medication? Sound off in the comments below.