I’ve come to kill time with you again.
Here I am again. A feeling all too familiar. Stuck. Body heavy. Indifferent, not sad. Mind telling me lies. Me believing them. This time, no guilt … that’s a lie, there’s guilt. But I am really enjoying these constant hits of dopamine.
My week has consisted of posting up in a bed that has a broken leg, so I have to climb in and out very carefully each time, nonetheless, the perfect cocoon of blankets. Treating myself to Netflix for the holidays, the $6.99 plan of course. Playing one of my favorite games on my phone, Family Island. Sleeping like a baby with no bad dreams. Eating too much or too little. Ignoring notifications, people, situations, responsibilities, showers.
Certain I’ve covered all 7 of the deadliest sins, I’ve not only taken a bite from the proverbial apple, I’ve devoured it.
Balance be gone. I’m overindulging, distracting myself, self-medicating, and soaking up hit after hit of dopamine. Every pleasure an addiction at this point.
“This is sick. Why do I keep doing this to myself?” I think as I keep whispering to my inner voice to shut the hell up. As I eat my carne asada fries from my favorite Mexican drive-thru, binging Squid Game: The Challenge, sitting in my filth.
“Write!” I tell myself. And nothing comes to me. Nearly 50 half written articles just chillin’ in draft form in Medium. No desire whatsoever to even open the app. Avoiding it at all costs, even if I miss reading stories from my favorite writers.
What am I avoiding besides life you may ask? Renewing my food stamps. $115 each month that I desperately need. Do I even deserve it at this point?
I’m writing this as I’m on hold with the welfare department because habit stacking …
If only I could stick with them.
Not to mention yet another tip and trick I recently wrote about. You know, A Walmart Trick and Treat for All … Yeaaaa, that one. I was so excited and thrilled to share that at first. When it was interesting.
It really is quite simple. Do what they ask, get assistance for food. My problem, this has been a multi-step process with submitting all my self-employment information correctly. In the span of several days. The motivation and battle against anxiety it takes for me to complete this is unfathomable. A symptom of ADHD disguised as executive dysfunction.
Yet, my psychiatrists so far are really dragging their feet on that diagnosis, saying “well you were a good student. It’s from childhood trauma. Oh, but we only have a few doctors who diagnose that in our region. And to change topics, this is the last time we will be speaking. I’m leaving this company.” WHAT?! All I can do is laugh. Of course … maybe I’ll ask Psychiatrist number 3. What’s a diagnosis going to do for me anyway at this point? I know my struggles are executive functioning. I’m getting more helpful information from YouTube and Pinterest at this point.
So here I sit on hold, squeezing the s*** out of my Cyber Monday Amazon purchase. The unfortunate chemical smelling sensory stress unicorn that peels from my hand every time I release it. Trying not to get sidetracked at this point from finally completing a few tasks today.
You know why today is so important? Today is the last day of the month. The due date. That urgency I inadvertently craaaave.
On hold now for an hour … at least I got an article out of it. Now if I can just finish both today, continuing my food stamps and submitting this article for publication.
One hour left until they close. Jeez, I really did it this time. This the second time I put myself in this position. The last time I had to start all over again and that took months.
10 minutes to spare and someone answered. I finally turned in the right documentation. Damn that felt good. Good ol’ self-fulfilling prophecy enabling my coping habit again.
To be fair, all of the customer service representatives have been nice and helpful. If I can get them to laugh, I’m gold. It’s been a Godsend for my phone anxiety. I know they’re overworked and often yelled at. It’s a delicate dance having to communicate with need and persistence.
Still, the phone anxiety looms over my head like a dark cloud full of rain. The cloud is still present but not full of rain thanks to the kindness and help of others.
Alright, I haven’t eaten anything, and I am starving. Are hershey squirts normal when you’re starving? That is a whole other story that probably will not be written … Probably.
I wonder if this whole sequence seems crazy to readers. When it’s just another week in the life of a deadline for me.
If any of this seems familiar to you, there’s several links that have helped me to websites within this self-diagnosing story.
But what do I know? I don’t have ADHD, just depression and anxiety.